A Step Backwards
A very Out of Character post:
I’m sure very few have noticed that Aria has not been tweeted in quite some time. Even the last of her tweets seemed fairly vague, though I hope not on her behalf. There is only so much one can do with a newborn vampire that has recently been bestowed Queen of vampires of Poland when she has a distant maker, king, companion and fiance. Surely there were plans to be carried out, but alas, I do not see them happening. Perhaps one day, if motivation were to kick in, but for now, Aria, and assuming also for Luk… they will on some sort of hiatus, I suppose. No progression, no regression. Just frozen in time from where they are now, which is not very sociable or active.
I do apologize for those of you who have been paying attention to their story and those who may have been looking forward to it. We both do appreciate it deeply and greatly and I do hope to one day play her again. She was one of my favorites to play and I was looking forward to her change from a scared girl to a noble queen. Rest assured, the accounts will not be deleted. We may one day want to pick them back up, and I actually hope we will.
For now, this is goodbye from Aria. I do wish you all well, and hope that she will see you again.
The Last Time I Spoke to My Family
- Me: -waiting nervously for the phone to pick up, anticipating another fight-
- Mom: -finally picks up and yawns, speaking sleepily- Hello?
- Me: Mom? -fidgets and scratches my head- It's me...
- Mom: -groans and sighs disapprovingly- Aria, do you realize what time it is? Are you using your head?
- Me: -winces- I'm sorry, mom. I forgot...
- Mom: Oh great, you've woken your father up. Now he's going to have a bad day at work cause he couldn't sleep. Is this what you want?
- Me: -fights back tears- No, mom. I'm sorry, I am. I forgot.
- Mom: -sighs again- Is this trip at least helping you be less of a rambunctious girl?
- Me: -grits my teeth- Yeah, yeah it is. I'm a whole new person.
- Mom: Good, I don't want our money that we worked hard for to go to waste.
- Me: -blinks out angry tears- I'll try not to disappoint you anymore.
- Mom: That would be nice. -looks over at stirring husband, mutters off the receiver- Would you like to speak to Aria?
- Dad: Sure, why not. I got nothing better to do at... -checks time- three in the morning. -takes the phone-
- Me: Hey, dad.
- Dad: Aria, what the hell possessed you to call this late at night?
- Me: -tries to speaks, gets cut off-
- Dad: No, excuse me... this early in the damn morning.
- Me: Dad... -sniffles hard- I'm sorry, I completely forgot.
- Dad: Yeah, like you've seem to forgotten a lot of things. Like your manners.
- Me: -clenches my jaw- I thought you guys would like to know that I'm fine and not dead somewhere. That's why I called.
- Dad: -blinks- You better watch your attitude with me, Aria.
- Me: -chokes down tears and swallows hard, speaking low- Yes, sir.
- Dad: -groans- I'm going to try to get some decent sleep before working to pay for your life. Goodbye, Aria.
- Me: -doesn't say goodbye back, hears the receiver get passed to my mother-
- Mom: Do you have to press his buttons all the time, Aria? There are others that have to deal with him, you know.
- Me: I know. I'm sorry.
- Mom: Are you sorry? You say it so much, but do you mean it?
- Me: I...I'm going to go. -eyes a pack of boys across the bar and hangs up-
I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead. Oh Wait, I am.
Since Kasia has returned, my days have been restless. Just knowing that tramp is back under the estate roof makes my skin crawl. She despises me when I did nothing. I tried to like her, until she decided she wanted what is mine. She is a naive, young girl. She thinks that she is in love with Luk, that he has some sort of feelings for her. She is wrong. Luk is over seven hundred years old. He thought he shouldn’t have feelings at all. He felt faulted that he saved me in the woods instead of killing me. He couldn’t even recognize the notion of his love for me. It was always something different that made him feel different about me, but he couldn’t say what. Most vampires are devoid of feelings, but he loves me. Did I plan this? Certainly not. Did I arrange for it to happen? No. He chose me. Do I love him? With my entire being. Too bad for Kasia.
Luk tells me not to worry, to not let it get to me. How can it not?! She has her foolish little fantasies and with her pathetic ways, I wouldn’t put it past her to try to fulfill them. She already got one from him. That will forever bother me, no matter how much Luk wants me to let it go. I can’t. It’s not possible. She knew that he had interest in me, and it made her angry. Her infatuation with him was taking over and she wanted to rid him of me. We were out of town, staying in a quaint house in the town where Luk was from while he was showing me who he was before he was turned and she followed us there. She found a petty reason to intrude. At this time, Luk and I weren’t really… together. I was still the pet, but he was extremely protective and possessive over me. I didn’t know what to think, especially since all Luk said it was “business” he was attending to.
I stayed, alone in a house in the new town while he deflowered her.
He came back and I knew something was different. I don’t know what she did, or what went on exactly, but he seemed odd. When he finally told me, I was angry. He told me he wanted to give her what she wished for. To lose her purity. He also said he did not want for her to think she loved him cause he would never love her back. That made it a little better, but it didn’t change that it happened. She wanted to lose her innocence to him specifically. Why? Cause she thought he would have some connection to her. She’s a very stupid girl. She could have just found a staff member to do it for her, but because she wanted Luk in any way that she could get, she chose that way. Well, guess who he came back to?
I’ll never just let it go. It’s not something to forget so easily, if at all. I can’t just erase knowing that he bed her, and then laid with me the next night as if it hadn’t happened. The man that I love, that I’m supposed to be with for an eternity… that he would do that. She took an immediate personal vacation, and things seemed to get better. I was hoping she fell into a sinkhole and would never return. With her gone, Luk told me he loved me, that he wanted me by his side always, and made it all effective. Since she came back, reeking the estate with the stank of whore, I’ve been uneasy. She is the reason I find it hard to sleep during the day. I can’t concentrate, even in death when I know she’s constantly scheming up plans. Luk fed from her, and I could hardly stand to be in the same room as him after. She disgusts me. She is repulsive. I am dreading the thought of having to feed from her. In order to see my family again, I have to… but it will take everything in me to not kill the bitch, because I would love nothing more than to do it. I want her gone… things will not be so simple until she is…
It’s interesting how this relationship between Lukasz Wieczorek and I formed. I went from living in complete fear of him to giving him my everything. In the beginning, I couldn’t even look him in the eye, mine were permanently fixed to the floor. I trembled with every touch and often laid awake at night, waiting for him to kill me and get it over with. It never happened. I closed myself off, only answering when spoken to, and one worded answers at that. I only looked at him when told to. I didn’t dare to move unless it was allowed. I always expected horrible treatment and punishment, but for some reason he never gave it to me. I had many opportunities to run, and at times I even told myself to escape. I never did. Why? Deep down, I wouldn’t allow it. I couldn’t make any sense of it, but I stayed.
I wish I could say that Luk and I met in some amazing way like they portray in romance movies and fairy tales, but it was quite the opposite. That night in the woods terrifies me and will always terrify me. I still dream about it. I can still remember Luk biting me and ripping me from the ground. I still remember what he subjected me to watch that night. I’ll never forget it. I’ll never forget seeing that side of him. He took me back to the estate as a captive prisoner, and that was when the toying began. Touching me just to make me shiver. Biting me, and feeding from places that were quite intimate. Even as far as making me swim in a tank with live sharks with only his hand keeping my head above water. He knew I was afraid, and maybe the safety of his hand was the beginning of the changes he felt.
I was the pet. I was a human pet, as strange as that is to think of. I was there to manipulate and to feed from, but surprisingly, I wasn’t used for sex. As much as he praised me for my looks and for my body, and as much as his hands liked to wander it, we held of for a long time. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want it, cause I did. There were many instances where I practically threw myself at him, and he seemed amused, but did not take me. At times, I could tell he wanted to, though. There had been moments where the tension and frustration was so high between us that it was almost unbearable. I grew to trust him, but there was this voice in my head telling me not to. It told me to run. To escape. It told me that I would never make it out alive. I tried to silence that voice, until one night, he did it for me. He glamoured me to bring me out of my shell. To put me at ease around him, cause I was still a nervous, and scared wreck, bumbling about. It didn’t take long for him to reverse the glamour, and why he did it, I do not know. I was angry at him for it. I was angry at him for doing it in the first place, yet I was also angry that he reversed it.
What would happen next utterly shocked me. We woke the next day as he told me to change, and that we were taking a small trip into the woods. I thought he was going to kill me and dispose of my body, but first take me to the place that I hated most and traumatized me for some sick game. We came to this door in the ground, surrounded by trees. I knew I had angered him, but I never thought I would be locked away under the soil to never be found again. He assured me that this was not the case and led me down into it and down a long hallway that lead to a room. A room where a vampire was being held, shackled in silver. It was a dungeon. A dungeon for torture. For a split second, I had two thoughts. That I was to become food for the hungry vampire, or that I was to be tortured along with her. Both scared me to death. I was wrong, but what was really going on scared me just as much. I was there to be an accomplice to this vampire’s death. She had broken laws and codes, not to mention she had attacked Luk’s daughter. He was here for revenge and vengeance, and he pulled me into it. Forcing me to choose how she ended and made me watch.Made me help. He made me help thrust the silver blade into her. I was horrified and petrified. I could hardly move, let alone believe this was all happening before my very eyes. He made me participate to make me aware that it could have been me in that dungeon, dying at his hand. He did it to strike that fear and knowing within me.
After that ordeal, I did want to know why I wasn’t the one stowed away in the dungeon. Why I was given another chance to live in the extravagant estate in a room that I could only dream of having back home. I wanted to know why Luk was being so kind to me. He couldn’t explain it cause he didn’t know. If he didn’t know, I certainly didn’t. It only brought on more tension and frustration. He had this habit of building me up. Getting my expectations and hopes up, and then… nothing. I finally got to the point where I just laid there and took it, waiting for the letdowns, and they were sure to come. Until one night, when I woke up in a different room. We were back with the sharks, only in the bedroom that was attached to the tanks. I know that I did not fall asleep there. It was this night that we would finally have each other, after his fun, of course. He blind folded me and bound me with rope, getting his meal and teasing in before we embraced each other. This was the first of many nights, as well as the beginning of many fights.
He did the unexpected. A surprise trip to his home, where he was born and grew up over seven hundred years ago. I learned so much more about him. It explained a lot about how he thinks and acts. We were staying in a small house on the outskirts of the town when we had an unexpected visitor. Kasia, one of the donors that he preferred had found her way to us. I overheard her making arrangements for a meeting back at the palace, but I did my best to not let it bother me cause it wasn’t my business. I pretended that I heard nothing. The next day, Luk was gone for a “business trip” and I was left alone. I didn’t know what to do. When he returned, he told me how he had missed me. I was genuinely surprised. I thought I was just a pet, so what was there to miss? His flattery and charm got him no where, especially after he told me of how he had just laid with Kasia the night before, taking her virginity.
Kasia has a strong hatred for me, and I her. She is infatuated with Luk like a lovesick puppy. She believes he loves her, and she is too naive to realize that he holds no feelings for her. She envies me for my times with Luk and his affection for me. He told me that he had taken her, and I was enraged. I technically didn’t have a right to be, but after everything I had been through and the feelings that were developing, I was. I asked him two questions: What he wanted, and what he didn’t want. His answers were simple: Me, and that he did not want to take Kasia’s innocence. The stupid girl really needs to let it sink in that the only reason Luk keeps her around for her blood, which was now tainted due to her own begging and pleading. I would love nothing more than for her to disappear. Completely.
I was ready to leave Luk to sleep alone that night. He still couldn’t tell me what he wanted from me or how he felt and I was getting fed up. I asked him one last time why I was there. Why I was being kept around and he finally told me that there was something special about me. He couldn’t pinpoint what it was, but he knew it was there and he could feel it. It kept him from killing me that first night in the woods and it started to give him feelings he felt he shouldn’t have. He wanted to doubt them, but they were there. I let it sink in over night, and as we were off to go explore, I finally broke down and told him that I didn’t want to go. That I didn’t want to leave to go back to my home. That I only wanted to be with him. He was elated and naturally, we celebrated in the best way that we knew how.
Luk’s adopted daughter, Mackenzie, seemed to have gotten into a fix with her birth parents, leaving Luk to try to fix things. I was amazed when he asked me to sit in on their meeting. It was one of the most awkward times of my life, especially when Mr. Nihht began hitting on me. Luk didn’t take kindly to that. He was angry that the man whom had abandoned his daughter and left her to a stranger, a vampire had just walked out of his office. He didn’t know how someone could be so cruel. I tried to remind him that he still had some of his humanity left. That he was able to show compassion to a helpless infant, and to me. He said that he shouldn’t have let me live. That he relied on feelings and felt faulted for it. It disturbed me that he felt he shouldn’t have let me live, but did anyways. He reassured me that his feelings that he felt for me were real and that he would never take back what he did. It made me feel better, but it still lingered in my mind…until a couple of nights later when we made it official. I was his, and he was mine. We were exclusive, and an item. Finally.
I should have saw the next thing that happened coming from a mile away. I was sitting in the light tight theater when my parents faces were plastered on the screen, but it was all in Polish. I rushed to wake Luk up and drug him down to the theater to tell me what was going on. His face turned very serious as he listened which scared me greatly. They were looking for me. They had created a search party that swept across Europe to find me. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to leave Luk. My parents were the last people I wanted to be around. I was panicking, but Luk assured me that I was not going anywhere. I still had doubt, but I put my trust in him. I trust him so much, that I agreed to a bond. A fusing of our blood to share our feelings and thoughts with each other as if we were connected by an invisible tube. It was incredible. Everything I had ever known was different. Every sensory action I had was now heightened and intensified. And I wanted Luk more than ever and in every way.
We experimented with the bond for a few weeks. Testing it out and using it against each other when it seemed useful, and even when we least expected it. I felt that Luk had been thinking about something very serious. He wanted to turn me. He wanted me by his side forever as his vampire bride. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know how to react to that.There was no way that I would agree to it if he didn’t love me. I loved him, and I had for quite some time, but I was not going to be the one to say it and have it not returned, making me look like Kasia. When he finally told me, I cried. I never expected him to say it, and when he did, it flooded over me. I couldn’t help but to say it back, cause I truly did and do love him, and an eternity with him sounded better than any heaven. I agreed, and we planned my death.
The search party was still on the hunt for me, and even worse, a private detective. Peter Patrellis. They had used him before when I tried to run away. He and I had a knock down and drag around, but he won and took me back to them. He had found me. Again. He broke into the estate and made an attack on Luk with efforts to subdue me. Little did Peter know that Mat, Luk’s first born, was also there and together they apprehended him. Luk said I would never have to worry about him again. I let Luk feed from me to heal the stab wounds he had suffered from Peter, and within the next few days, Luk swept me away to a woodland retreat. It was here that I would meet my death, and my rebirth from Luk’s blood. After laying lifeless for three days, on the third night, I rose a vampire. My first meal was Peter Patrellis and his life was ended at my fangs.
Since then, I’ve just been trying to cope with the new ways that I so desperately need to adapt to. I need Luk’s help more than ever now. I laid outside today and thought about everything, and how I’ve come to realize that Luk has two sides to him. I love him and each side, but it’s more apparent now.
The business side. He is the vampire king of Poland. As much of a surprise as this was to me, I am slowly coming to terms with it. It is his colder side. I dare say, his evil side. It is much darker than usual. This was the Luk I encountered in the woods when we first met. Sometimes, this Luk frightens me. This is the being that forces my hand to kill another vampire. That would subject someone to torture deep underground. He is sharp and rough, although I don’t mind the roughness all the time… but that is much different. This Luk is much colder and uncaring. In most instances, he would kill without blinking an eye. I am scared that someday, I may meet this Luk again, and he may be the end of me. This thought terrifies me and plagues my mind often with every snarl and every time he raises his voice. I sometimes choose, or wish, to believe that he would never act so cruel to me as he has to others, but as king, I am just another underling. I have come to love this Luk as well, even if it may seem impossible. Then again, after that first night in the woods, I never thought I could love him at all, let alone develop any other feelings towards him besides fear. Now, I can’t imagine being without him.
The laid back side. This is the Luk I see most of the time. The loving and soft being. The one that is content to just lay with me in his arms and stroke my hair. The one who would rub my stomach when I was going through my womanly time of the month. The one who would bathe me and feed me chocolate covered strawberries with wine. He would go above and beyond to spoil me, even when I felt undeserving of it. This is the Luk that bought me a puppy, even if Loki is being used as a teaching tool. He did it for me, to give me something special. This is the Luk that wants me by his side forever. Not as a queen, but as Aria, the trespasser he grew to fall in love with. This is the gentle Luk that risked his life for me. This is the Luk that loves me, even when I am a royal pain. I love this Luk, too. I love him as equally as the other side of him, and together, they create the man that I will be with forever. They are both two crucial components that make up who he is, and they are both necessary. I wouldn’t change a thing about him, or either of his sides. He accepts and loves me for me, and I do the same for him.
He is my lover, my vampire and my king.
Aria Sage: Potential Vampire Queen of Poland?
I don’t know how it got to this. I don’t know how I should feel or react. To be honest, I’m still having trouble believing it. He’s the king? And that may make me the…
I can’t even say it.
How did I get here? Who am I? Who have I become? What am I?
I was on my final year of journalism in Princeton when my ways became out of control. I was hardly focused on my courses and studies. The only thing I wanted to do was party with my friends. Party with my friends’ friends. Party with… anyone. I had lost my love for writing and this did not please my parents at all. They were paying for my education and they swore to me that I would succeed. If only they could see me now.
They were upright furious with me and my behavior and promptly booked me a trip to Europe in some hope that I would “find myself”. This started a huge fight. I didn’t want to be shipped off cause they wouldn’t give me freedom. Sure, I knew I had to cut down on the partying, but my parents were always one to keep a tight hold on my leash. I never had any room to roam. When I went to college, the moved to the same town to keep tabs on me. It was frustrating. I finally agreed to go to Europe, cause I figured this would put more space between them and me, and maybe, finally, I could do what I wanted to do.
My first destination was England. I couldn’t believe that I was alone and able to explore on my own in a foreign land. The pubs and the sights were remarkable, and not to mention the many Englishmen who helped this pour tourist out. From there, I went to the rolling green hills of Ireland. Once again, the pubs were spectacular and the people were so friendly. You didn’t have to know the words to join in on a round of tunes through out the bar. From Ireland, a lengthy boat ride over to France where the love and lust filled the air. It’s not a place to go to alone. You feel very left out, and I had never felt more left out than then. The sights made up for that, and the view over Paris from the Eiffel Tower at night took my breath away… when I could breathe. Next was Northern Italy. The food was amazing. I wanted to stop back by on the way home just to gorge on the delicious food. I was sad to leave, and from Italy, I then went to Austria. Austria… I never want to go back, and I don’t want to go over what happened.
Finally, there was Poland. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever imagine what happened here or that to this day that I would still be here. It started out normally. I was drinking at a pub, eating something I couldn’t even pronounce the name of, and thinking of the trip to that point. The entire purpose of the trip was for self-discovery. I certainly had not discovered my true self or anything different about myself, that was for sure. The trip was a bust, but at least I was enjoying myself along the way. I was drinking vodka like water when I was approached by a group of fine looking fellows. At least they looked fine, in my drunken state.
They spoke broken English, but then again, I spoke broken Polish. I knew only the simple words like “thank you” and “please” and “where is the bathroom?”, but they knew one word that caught my interest. And with that, we were off to a party. I can hardly remember anything about it. I remember getting there, them talking amongst themselves while I sat on a couch and next thing I knew, they were bringing me drinks. After that, I can’t recall a thing. When I woke up, a few days later it seems, I was out in the woods, and alone again. I had nothing in my pockets and my purse was gone. I was alone, and scared and I had no idea of where the hell I was. I wandered around to try to find my way out and it eventually got dark. It was then that the panic set in. I desperately looked for the North star, thinking it would help guide me out, but I was only fooling myself. I was a city girl, not a girl scout. I did, however, find what seemed to be an abandoned hut out in the trees. I took refuge in it for a night and the next day, I set out to try to find my way out again. This time when the darkness came, I had no hut to hide in and nothing to protect me.
The howls that came from the shadows made me very awry. I almost wanted to just cling to a tree for the rest of the night, but I kept on, despite the eerie sounds coming out of the trees. I was hearing things come from all around me. I spun to try to pin point one and I fell and hit my head, backing up against a tree. It was then that a woman emerged and a wave of relief flooded over me. I was finally going to be rescued. She offered her hand and I gladly accepted it, stupidly. A man soon followed after her when she took me harshly into her grasp. I was confused and full of shock as to what was going on. I saw her fangs flash in the corner of my eye and before I could react, she sunk them deep into my flesh, drinking and feeding from me. I cried out in pain and fear, reaching out for anything to help, begging and pleading the man to help me, but he didn’t. Yet. She had been feeding from me for quite some time before he sternly called out her name, Kayden, and commanded that she stop. Unwillingly, she threw me to the ground after the withdrawal of her fangs and I backed against the tree, my chest rising and falling with the shallow breaths I drew out of panic and fear.
The man crouched down to ask me a few questions before also sinking his fangs into my neck for a taste. I cried out once more as he drank and jerked me to my feet, commanding me to follow behind them like a homeless mutt to his house. I kept my gaze low to the floor and only spoke when it was required. That night, I was subjected to watch the two in their vicious, carnal acts. This man would soon be the man I fell in love with.
The woman did not stay long, and soon I became his pet. Luk, the master of the house seemed to take a liking to me. He toyed with me, but was never cruel. And yet, he treated me like a lady. I found myself in complete confusion. I was simply a pet to him, yet I received the best care, even better than many who had been there long before I had been. I couldn’t tell if it was just his nature or if there was more. To my amazement, there was more. Much more, but it was not being shared just yet. There were many weeks of sheer tension between us. Whether it was anger or sexual tension, it was high and evident. Even some of the staff members grew to hate me and envy me cause of his affections towards me. There was something different between the two of us, and we danced around it until I couldn’t bare not knowing anymore. He told me that I was more than just some human to him. That there was something about me that drew him to me. That kept him from ending me that night in the woods. He didn’t know what it was, but he could feel it, even when he distrusted every feeling he had.
It wasn’t enough for me. Just something different he saw, when I saw nothing out of the ordinary. It was all I had though, and it was what was keeping me alive. Even then, I wouldn’t fully succumb to him, and he wouldn’t push me if it didn’t feel right to him. We were at some sort of understanding. All along the time, he tested me. He tested my bravery, my loyalty and my boundaries in some way or another. He submerged me into a tank with sharks, with only his hand to guide me. He made me partake in the torture and execution of a vampire that had committed acts against the laws and against his daughter, no matter how much I didn’t want to. I passed his tests and even grew closer to him, instead of detesting him.
The weeks came over us slowly and I was soon enjoying my every bit of time with him, as my courage seemed to grow. No matter how much it grew, he still knew exactly how to make me blush. Oh, how he loved it when I would blush. He knew that he was the cause, that he had stirred something deep to get such a reaction. He would run his cold fingers over the warmth that flushed over my cheeks. That is one feeling I will never forget, seeing as I can no longer blush and am as cold as his finger is now.
In time, I finally allowed him to take me, cause my heart and mind was already set. I kept it from him, though. He knew there was a strong attraction and that was it. I waited until he confessed his love to me to return it. Even then, I felt little doubt in my heart that it was true. Vampires are known for not having feelings, and I wanted nothing more than to not believe it at this moment. It was at this time that the voice in the back of my head that told me constantly to run; to get out; to escape; that I would never make it out alive disappeared and diminished. It was right in a way. I would never get out, alive that is.
The love shared between Luk and I would eventually grow into a bond formed between us, and from there, on July 7th, I rose a vampire. Luk assured me that he would never leave me. That he would never give up on me. That we would have each other for eternity, and that was enough to win me over. Meanwhile, it was discovered that my parents were looking for me, and had sent Peter Patrellis, a renown private investigator to search for me. The search had started before I became vampire, and ended soon after my death when Patrellis came to apprehend me and met Luk and his first progeny, Mat. It was at my hands and fangs with my newborn hunger that Patrellis met his death.
Since then, I have been training under Luk, and even then it has been rocky. The hunger consumes me. It blinds me and I act out according to it in ways I can not fight. I have killed in the name of blood lust, and the punishments bestowed upon me have been fairly handed to me, no matter how much I may grovel about them. It was recently let known that Luk is the Vampire King of Poland. This shock was almost enough to make me meet a second death. He, a king. I, a…
I still can not bring myself to really, truly say it.
Ever since my turning, my right mind has been wrapped around making Luk proud. In being the vampire he wishes me to be. They say vampires are devoid of emotions and feelings, but I assure you that I am more scared than I ever have been in my existence. I’m already worried that I will let the one who holds me above most down. I can not let a country down. I can not even cope with myself. I do not think I can do this. I so badly do not want to let him down, though. I want to be by his side, but I can’t control my impulses, how can I control anything else?
This is going to take some time…